Late at Night...

I have a little hangover and this morning has started as bored as yesterday's. Last night I decided to get out of my sad cave and went to meet with some other friends. After a bottle of red wine and a couple of cigarettes there I was, again, listening to some music, from some guitar, from a guy I haven’t met before. He was so into his music and I guess from all the people around appearing to be enjoying, I bet I was the only one really listening. His music was perfect for my ears and for my taste; I guess he was kind of sad also and we got to communicate through music, silently.

By that time I was wishing I had a "booty" call. Hey! I’m human! Wine kicks the flirt side out of me. I couldn’t do anything bad in front of my friends, I had to behave just to avoid the “talking behind my back” thing, not that I care too much but since facebook was created its better to avoid it. So I wanted to leave, I wanted to think, to be alone, so I got in my car and started driving, just driving. It was 3:00am; I was in a flirt mode, with a sexy outfit, no one to call and no one to see. I was having fantasies that suddenly some one started flirting back in a red light or that some old friend texted me with the same mood I was in, but no, never happened.

So, I got home around 4:30am, showered, got my headphones on and went to bed expecting that some guitar music helped me to sleep shutting off the internal effect that some other guitar turned on earlier. I guess it worked plus I was tired. Today my day is not as fun, it’s silent again, no music, no talking, no guitars. I’m going to survive another day and maybe in the night I go around again searching for some music to make it easier… That’s a nice drug to handle life events. For me at least…

It feels like Christmas...

Last night I went to sleep with the knife out. The knife I’ve been having stuck to my chest for a long time now, months. I couldn’t sleep, the pain was unbearable. Until last night the pain was silent, strong but quiet inside, manageable, but everyday was worst, because I started to take the knife out one inch at a time. With every inch I lost a memory, a moment, a feeling. So many good things were inside, years of happy times but when the cruel truth of human nature stabs me all those things started to bleed. Last night it was my last inch, I took it out, completely out. The open cavity in my chest now was a door for other things to get in, sadness, emptiness, loneliness, darkness…But, I wanted all those good things from the past to be out, why would I like to keep a lie?, it doesn’t help at all. In fact being kind of poetic about it doesn’t help either. This is not a poem, this is me now.

I’m looking in the wrong places for the right reasons. I’m wishing for the right one but finding the wrong one. Just now it came to my mind if the right thing, the right feeling, it even exist. Did I was in that place before this? It felt right so maybe I was, or maybe I just created that status in my mind and believed it. Anyway, as I said, we are humans with lots of defects and like animals we have instincts that we can’t go against. Maybe that’s our nature to bring happiness along with suffering, even thought we try not to…

Anyway it’s sad, I am sad. I just bled something good that suddenly became something else, something unknown for me. I wonder how long it will take to my wound to be close, if it close at all. By the way, tonight it’s Christmas and I just hate it…

S*** !

Should I keep writing? Damn it! I think it doesn't help at all, I don't even know if someone is reading anyways...

This things should be kept in my mind only, sharing them it's a crime...

I don't know...

The list...

She is sitting in her desk like every weekday, trying to make a task list for the day to make it appear longer. Usually there is so much work to do that time flies… She takes a moment and put her fingers in her forehead and started to “iron” it from the center to the sides. “What’s going to happened?” she asks herself. The same question she’s been asking over and over, but no answer has come to it. Then as she close her eyes, a rain of “what ifs” started to fall over her.

The wondering overpowers her, so many possibilities, so many risks, so many new adventures; she liked the new things, the unknown, to learn, but the new scares her right now. “How will I project myself to don’t become misunderstood? Do I have to explain myself more often now or should I simply get back to being the rebel I used to be?” “I’m too old for being a rebel” she said. “The world requires explanation for pretty much everything now.”

“I need to start making a task list for my life now, what I’ll do first?, what not to do again?, what to keep doing?” That was the most important question and the hardest to answer, “What to keep doing?”, by all means…

But as everyday now, again she decided to shut the thinking off for a while and be back to work on the initial task list, so she opened her eyes again and changed the forehead for a mouse, and just with a click she went back to work…

With your head on the moon.

Did you change the page?
I never opened the book.
Were you scared of the reading?,
Did you felt getting little
as approaching my loop?

I’m not here to be a judge,
I don’t care what you do.
Sweep it under my rug,
come and give me a hug
and return to your moon.

Point of no return

Him: Don't be depressed
Her: Trying not to
Him: You shouldn't, this is human nature
Her: Still...

Him: We are all sinners and we all go through the same, even when it's not admitted
Her: It's just a little weird
Him: Uncomfortable?
Her: No, not that...I'm just thinking I went to a different dimension a few minutes ago, I opened a door and now I'm locked inside, the door just disappeared all I have is the longest hallway of my life, it never ends, and I can see some other doors from here, that I'll probably cross also and they'll probably disappear after it too. I can't go back now... I've opened so many doors already...
Him: True, but fuck it!

Her: Well, take care...
Him: You too and hey!, the next time I'm buying...

Burning Inside

Your skin looks pink, and soft like an angel. Everything match's up, even your eyes and smile when they make a conspiracy to enchant me. As beautiful and dangerous as the devil was once and I know I will burn in your hell if you touch me.

My hair will be pulled, you'll spit on my face, my body will be managed as a barrel, pulled and throwed and turned around. No pity in your hands, no caring on your eyes and I will only get bites and devilish licks, no kisses will come out of your mouth.

I will reach the climax and fuck!, I'll enjoy it, but my cum will be accompanied by tears. After that it will be over and you'll be back to your pit, where you'll lick all the dirt out of your pawns. I will never hear from you again, until your hell gets too hot and you claim another creature to be sacrifice in your bed.

So please call me whore and talk dirty to me, promise you'll fuck me good. Lick and scratch me, bite your teeth and get mad while you fuck me. Pin me to the wall and break my clothe, and if I move, slap me. Pull my head while I'm down there and make me choke on your cum, make me swallow, make me enjoy it and then tell me to fuck off.

That's how you really want it huh?, that's what you want to hear. I even bet you have it vivid in your mind right now. Even myself gets hot after writing it, I know I hit the nail for a man, I know baby, I know...

I sure can think like you, but can you think like me?, can you feel the rape and enjoy it? Ohhh you can!!... Great!!, so bend over bitch and don't look annoyed, put a smile on that face 'cause I'm about to begin, and after I finish you will need a stitch...