Ode to Wine & Kissing

Almost like a breath you sneaked inside without warnings,
you sailed through my tongue smoothly,
dived into my throat and gave me life
just when I fainted, turning blue and lifeless.

You gave me peace, excitement,
I stood on my feet again
and tasted the fuel to retake my speed;
but as I started to feel the release
and my chest was no longer compress,
in the middle of my path
with all the excitement blooming back
just like a breath, you were gone.

Now I’m gasping for you
my lips are cracked,
my throat is dry.
I have no voice to shout:
“My destination is waiting!!,
Please don’t leave me now!!”

Just get deep inside once more
and run from steps to thoughts
send me flying aroused by your being
to a place where you think I belong.

Soul Slayer

I’ve never regretted anything in my life, probably I’ll never will and from every little thing, good and bad, I’ve learned. Sometimes I make the same mistakes again but at least I know what the possible outcome is or what to expect due to the previous experience. It’s hard though, for a person like me who usually follows the wrong things looking for interesting experiences, even when I know in advance that it’s probably a bad idea. At the end I’m the only one to blame, I’m the one who allows these things to happen, I’m the one who prefer to screw myself up before someone else does, that’s my mechanism, but right now I’m starting to think that the damage I cause to myself it’s way worst than the one somebody else could cause…

It’s almost like self destruction, knowing your killing your soul and continuing to do so. It’s like an energy drink, at first it gives you the feeling that you can take everything, that you have the power, that you can do anything, but at the end you crash, you end up feeling beat, your day suddenly becomes slower, your shoulders drop, your chest hurts and then you know that you should have listen to that inner voice that always tells you to stop.

I used to feel like this almost everyday long time ago, I almost forgot about it. Now I’ve brought back that demon that used to live inside and I know it will be hard to stop him for a long time. I guess I’ll have to get used to him again. The damage it’s done, so again, no regrets, I’ll keep living my days waiting for another chance to stab myself a little deeper. At least I will know how to cover the scar and move on…

I woke up upside down

I guess we all have one day in our lives where we wake up and experience this feeling that everything in your life sucks, probably more than one day and for some people maybe it’s everyday. You know, we all have issues and worries, nobody have a so called perfect life, we just manage to work things out, to ignore some other things, to go deep into the situation and lock the door; we all deal with it in different ways. Some people wake up one morning unable to deal with that “bad day” feeling no more, they get radical and go to the final solution: taking their own lives, I guess that for some people that’s a perfect relieve.

For me, I don’t know, suicide sounds relieving indeed, peaceful…You don’t have to think, you don’t have to work things out or deal with anything, in fact you don’t have to do shit anymore, but exactly, you will not do anything else again, you will loose the little good things that you enjoy, you will never get the chance to see the end of the movie, you won’t see what the future has saved for you…and that thought scares the hell out of me, beside that I don’t think I’ll ever got the balls to kill myself in any way.

I want to do so much with my life, I want to achieve and fulfill so many dreams, I want to minimize those “bad days” and instead I want to have more planned days, days with a purpose, with a goal, an agenda. Right now I have those days in mind, they are in my future but they seem so far and worst of all, I don’t even have a precise date for those days to come. I don’t want that, I want to say “this is what I will do tomorrow and the next day and so…” and really make it happened because that’s usually another problem the commitment.

It’s frustrating because I feel like I’m 15 years old, unable to take control of my life, unable to start making things happened and unable to just get the things that doesn’t help me at all and push them out of my life. I have a tendency for that, to get around things or people that doesn’t really contribute in any positive way to my life just because most of the time with those things and those people I feel better and its usually people that I love as much as they love me but I’ve learned in life that love doesn’t help you achieve things, love it’s not a valid excuse for failure, in fact in this selfish world we are living love it’s not a valid excuse for anything. “I am late for work because I’m in love” – you will be fired and called crazy, “I got bad grades at school because I’m in love” – you will not graduate and be called ignorant, “I’m helping her because I love her” – she won’t show her gratitude and you’ll be called stupid… See? Everybody thinks that love is a big thing, the big deal, but at the end love it’s just a word that comes out of your mouth way too much…

So, this is a bad day for me that I happened to hate so much because it’s the sequel of the bad day I had yesterday. I feel lost, I want to push everything out and I’ll probably will… I will survive and I will have a better day soon, I just have to organize myself and make a plan, well, I guess I already did while writing. Some things that I love will suffer but at the end it's easier to love when you love your days. So, I got work to do…

Like music to my ears

Finally, 2008 ends. It was such a long year for me, a lot of big things and big decisions happened during that year. I started the year with my husband leaving me to go to the army, to make our lives “better”, decision we both hated so much but money wise we were desperate. I knew that decision had a 50 / 50 percent chance of backfire on me. Well, we did bought our first house with the money from the army, paid up some debts and had fun, but a little after that, when he returned on June the other 50% started to come out. Lucky me that on July 1st it was our 6th wedding anniversary!! Yeah whatever… On march I turned 30 so it was kind of exiting for me, different from most of women I’ve always thought that I would start to have total control of my life from my 30’s to my 40’s and so far that’s my plan… I started studying again just to conclude that I’m too old for that now, working and studying this time was a nightmare for me, I’ve done it before but this time… well I’m just old but somehow I got to finish… Also, I finally took the decision of quitting my shitty job that had me so sad for 4 years, one day I said “Bitch you have 30 days to find a job well paid and that you love”, well it seems like the “Secret’ worked out, on day number 30 I received a call from my actual boss calling me for an interview and from 253 resumes she received, I got the job. I like to think that 30 is my new lucky number… On September my daughter turned 2 and she’s just lovely! On October for the first time we mention the word “divorce” and we went on and off, from crying to laughing and to crying again, between love and hate, truths and lies and waiting, waiting and waiting until our time ran out. So I made another huge decision, I wanted to be alone, decision that used to scare the shit out of me, but I started to see things with a different expectation.

The Sunrise from my Cellphone

Now I know I’m changed, I’ve lost 20 pounds, I’m flirting again, I took off my “no matter what I’ll never take it off” ring and so did my husband but way before me. I don’t know what will happen between us later on, but for now I want to fly away. I’ve started to commit to myself only. I’m having fun, I’m feeling good, and I am in peace. On the New Year Eve after celebrating the New Year arrival with my daughter and husband I went to a big party with a friend and after that we went to a stranger apartment to some get together where some other friends were. That was so not me, hanging out so late. I’ve always had a “get home before sunrise” policy but that day I did something I’ve never done before, I saw the first sunrise of a new year, 2009… It was beautiful, we had an amazing view and everybody was happy, enjoying and so was I and that was the moment when I finally felt that I was going to be alright and that 2009 would be good to me. So, starting the New Year I got a “flirt” call early in the morning, I made peace with my husband to keep it civil until the divorce it’s over and I made some new friends that night… I can’t complain except for the fact that I had to work early in the morning, yes I did! The rest was just perfect! Good luck to all, Peace!