I woke up upside down

I guess we all have one day in our lives where we wake up and experience this feeling that everything in your life sucks, probably more than one day and for some people maybe it’s everyday. You know, we all have issues and worries, nobody have a so called perfect life, we just manage to work things out, to ignore some other things, to go deep into the situation and lock the door; we all deal with it in different ways. Some people wake up one morning unable to deal with that “bad day” feeling no more, they get radical and go to the final solution: taking their own lives, I guess that for some people that’s a perfect relieve.

For me, I don’t know, suicide sounds relieving indeed, peaceful…You don’t have to think, you don’t have to work things out or deal with anything, in fact you don’t have to do shit anymore, but exactly, you will not do anything else again, you will loose the little good things that you enjoy, you will never get the chance to see the end of the movie, you won’t see what the future has saved for you…and that thought scares the hell out of me, beside that I don’t think I’ll ever got the balls to kill myself in any way.

I want to do so much with my life, I want to achieve and fulfill so many dreams, I want to minimize those “bad days” and instead I want to have more planned days, days with a purpose, with a goal, an agenda. Right now I have those days in mind, they are in my future but they seem so far and worst of all, I don’t even have a precise date for those days to come. I don’t want that, I want to say “this is what I will do tomorrow and the next day and so…” and really make it happened because that’s usually another problem the commitment.

It’s frustrating because I feel like I’m 15 years old, unable to take control of my life, unable to start making things happened and unable to just get the things that doesn’t help me at all and push them out of my life. I have a tendency for that, to get around things or people that doesn’t really contribute in any positive way to my life just because most of the time with those things and those people I feel better and its usually people that I love as much as they love me but I’ve learned in life that love doesn’t help you achieve things, love it’s not a valid excuse for failure, in fact in this selfish world we are living love it’s not a valid excuse for anything. “I am late for work because I’m in love” – you will be fired and called crazy, “I got bad grades at school because I’m in love” – you will not graduate and be called ignorant, “I’m helping her because I love her” – she won’t show her gratitude and you’ll be called stupid… See? Everybody thinks that love is a big thing, the big deal, but at the end love it’s just a word that comes out of your mouth way too much…

So, this is a bad day for me that I happened to hate so much because it’s the sequel of the bad day I had yesterday. I feel lost, I want to push everything out and I’ll probably will… I will survive and I will have a better day soon, I just have to organize myself and make a plan, well, I guess I already did while writing. Some things that I love will suffer but at the end it's easier to love when you love your days. So, I got work to do…